Stars
by misskeshia
Summary: My OC Alyssa, Tony's adopted daughter, struggles internally with his death, and starts blaming herself. (Alyssa, was a Winter Solider, put under ice for 5 years, and then joined the Avengers.)


During battle, death was never in Alyssa's thoughts. All she thought about was the next punch or the next stab. She had never felt more fear than at that moment, seeing Tony's broken body against the rubble, bloodied and broken.

_Everybody wants a happy ending, right? But it doesn't always roll that way._

_Maybe this time._

His words echoed in Alyssa's head throughout the whole service.

She hadn't cried all day. She hadn't talked to anyone or spoken during the service. Her eye's just stared straight at the horizon, not taking in any of her surroundings. She hadn't remembered much from the service. She remembered her mom had said some words about her father, and then they had sent out his arc reactor across the lake.

The house was quiet. Some people had come inside for drinks and to share condolences with Pepper. Morgan was outside with Happy and Pepper on the swing while Clint and Wanda stood by the lake. Peter had already left with May. Everyone else was crammed inside the small farmhouse.

Alyssa stood at her father's desk, running her fingers over the screen. The last time he sat there felt like ages ago. This was where he had solved the equation that would end up getting him killed. She closed her eyes and sat down in his chair, her fingers hovering over the switch that would activate the table.

"He was a good man." Steve had appeared across the table, admiring the handy work that had gone into the mechanical dining table. Tony had always been able to look at something ordinary and figure out how to improve it. That was one of the things Steve admired about him.

"Yeah," Alyssa said in a barely audible voice, looking down at her hands.

"Your dad was a very intuitive man. He always knew how to solve a problem. Even when others didn't want to listen to him." Alyssa wanted nothing more than for him to walk away and drop the conversation right there.

"I know that things have always been tense between your father and me. And I know that this might be the last thing you want to hear right now, but I really did respect your father. He was a strong man. He always fought for what was right." Alyssa rubbed her palm with her thumb, a trick she used to calm herself down when she was having panic attacks. "And I just want you to know that, in a heartbeat, I would switch places with him."

Alyssa let out a dry laugh. "People have been saying that all day. 'It shouldn't have been him,' or, 'he didn't deserve that,' like I don't know that."

"But they're right. It should've never been him. It should've been me." She said hoarsely, the first sentence she had spoken that day. She could practically feel the ripple of shock pass through the room.

"You don't mean th-"

"I do," She stood up and pushed the chair back, still rubbing her hand. "I'm literally made of an infinity stone. It's what gave me my powers. I could've taken the blow. I would've survived, and if not... then that's just how it goes." The room was silent. No one dared move a muscle. "I'm just so tired of this bullshit," Her nail pushed deeper and deeper into her skin. "I'm tired of watching people I love die. I'm so fucking tired of it. I could've stopped all of this, but I didn't. I could've stopped so much." She wasn't just talking about Tony anymore. The realization hit her like a bag of bricks and settled at the bottom of her stomach. "I deserved to die."

Everyone in the room was uncomfortably quiet. They looked at each other, wondering if they should say something.

"What's going on in here?" Pepper asked. Alyssa whipped around to see her mother standing at the doorway with a concerned look on her face. Morgan was standing by her side, clutching her mom's dress. Alyssa felt her eyes fill with tears and pushed past both of them, jogging to the dock.

The sky started to darken as the sun dipped below the tree line. Alyssa was sitting at the edge of the dock, staring into the water. She had meant every word she had said inside the house. She wished her father were here to hug her and tell her everything was gonna be ok. He was the only one that understood her. And maybe Bucky, but she hadn't talked to him in years.

"It's getting kinda cold out." Alyssa turned her head over her shoulder to find Bruce was standing behind her. He towered over her and his gigantic figure blocked out any light coming from the house. She pulled her knees up to her chest and turned back towards the lake. "I like the cold."

"Mind if I join you?"He asked. She nodded and he sat next to her. She scootched over and gave him more room for his legs.

"Still trying to get used to this new body." He joked. She nodded.

Bruce smiled. "Not that I'm complaining. Biggest burden of my life erased. Now I just gotta find shoes that fit." Alyssa smiled, but her smile soon faded.

"You know, I once thought about ending it all." Alyssa looked up in shock. He glanced at her and nodded. "Hit a low point in my life. I couldn't find a way to get rid of the Hulk, I was hurting people close to me, so I picked up a gun. The big guy didn't let me go through with it though."

"I'm so sorry," Alyssa said. Bruce shrugged. "The point is, I didn't. And I feel I've been able to make up for some of the bad things I've done. And I haven't accomplished that through one big grand gesture. It's the small things I do."

Alyssa wrapped her arms around herself and hugged herself. "I've killed people Bruce." She said, looking him straight in the eye. "I've killed innocent people. People that did nothing wrong."

"You've also helped way more. You've saved the whole planet on multiple occasions. Whatever you did in your past life, that person clearly isn't you anymore." Somehow, she didn't believe him

"Tony was the one person in my life that sorta knew what I was going through. Who am I supposed to talk to now?"

"Well, I guess you could talk to Cap's friend, or, you could work it out within yourself. But whatever you do, don't do it alone."

She took a deep breath and nodded. He stood up and groaned. "I gotta get used to all this extra weight. You coming?" He pointed towards the house. She shook her head. "No thanks," She turned her head to face the sky. "I want to wait for the stars to come out."


End file.
